i’ve decided that i want to statistically model the keys i type, so i can develop a keyboard which is optimal to my usage patterns. granted, i will have to sample for an extended period of time to avoid influences such as where i’m working or what the latest project is. i thought i was going to have to write a kernel module (i may have to for FreeBSD) but linux has this wonderful module called evdev which gives me trivial access to all input events. as i type this, a tiny daemon is recording the time of each keypress and release into a file which is undoubtedly going to grow too large, too quickly. right now i am just logging each event as it occurs – but that obviously won’t scale. the keystrokes file has grown to almost 50k with not much more than this entry being typed… ;P

Bound by the ancient ropes of otoko-rashisa (manliness) to the pillar of Bushido (the way of the samurai), men are valued for being kamoku (silent), goken (strong in mind and body), ippongi (uncompromisingly earnest and honest), yukan (courageous) and daitan (bold).
Visually, it helps if they’re kinnikushitsu (muscular) and kebukai (hairy) in the right places, like legs and wrists (for some reason, chest hair has always been a downer). Naturally, they’re expected to be messy, to abstain from vigorous washing, to not care about what they eat, and to drink themselves into oblivion without losing their male decorum. It goes without saying that they’re not supposed to whine or ask for sympathy.

fix all my bugs and make the existing software packages i maintain as good as possible so i have nothing weighing on my mind.

my discomfort is slowing growing. the team i’m on is not valued as highly among other teams in this organization. there is a tendency to poach talent from this group. if i were capable of being poached, i wouldn’t care – but since i’m a lead, i’m essentially ineligible. i’m tormented with envy and jealously as i see myself become less technically proficient relative to my peers – and know that in my current capacity, that trend will only continue. i realize that my love for the engineering is decreasing – i don’t seem to love to code or hack anymore. i do it when it is necessary to get things done, but i think i might enjoy knowing solutions to problems or ensuring that they are solved rather than actually solving them myself. i’m really at a crossroads as far as my career is concerned, and i’m relatively unsure as to the direction i will ultimately choose. the indecision is driving me crazy, though, because i am not good at standing still. i’m grateful for the many things i’m doing right now (class & class) because they provide a sufficient distraction from the ultimate monotony of this position. maybe i can do this position for a while longer, if i have a sufficient number of other interests. again, i simply do not know.

i rest.

Why is that I always seem to love at first sight, but those that I love are oblivious to my heart pounding wildly? Do girls not love at first sight? I suppose that society teaches a girl to be passive in her feelings. I am blessed (or cursed) to throw my heart on the table, with the table of contents as plain as can be. I must be patient; for the reader will take her time,
consuming each chapter at her own pace – independent of my desire to see the story unfold. I have no choice but to take comfort (or grief) in the simple truth that all is well, that ends well.