I get so tired of having an internal thread talk about being gay or remembering that Andrew Marshal and I played doctor. The contact was innocent and yet I feel so guilty - rather, I can only assume that it is guilt that I am feeling. I don’t really know. Anyway, my hope was that by writing words into something, my mind would grow tired for the moment. But perhaps I am only encouraging behavior I would prefer to cease.

this weekend i was pretty good at making a detailed list of things to do and sticking with it. i got distracted by the football games and did a little less (and less effective) studying than i should have. last night, japanese class had a holiday (MLK). i ended up making currying and watching the godfather, part ii (which is a great movie). i had watched the original on saturday and i hope to watch the 3rd one this weekend. i could have spent my time better. i felt it; during the movie i could feel myself nagging myself to do something more productive. baby steps to discipline.

Monday: Japanese
Tuesday: UW
Wednesday: Japanese
Thursday: Isilon party
Friday: Aaron’s birthday party
Saturday: possibly poker
Sunday: bridge night at Pete’s

I’d better do some homework!

i’m not sure if the 3 hours of ping pong, the 30 quarters of shoot-em-up, or the five games of foosball did it – i woke up with a throbbing pain in my right hand. i think it got worn out from too much fun! last night was our big “good work” party for last year’s major software release. as a token of gratitude, the company bought all the engineers mini ipods. as we all lined up to receive our gifts, everybody was thinking the same thing: “here comes another isilon t-shirt.” the awe and glee was obvious after the ipods had been handed out. tonight is a co-worker’s 30th birthday party, so i’ll be hard-pressed to get some studying done this weekend.

it took me a long time to realize it, but i’ve been pretty selfish the last few months. if i spent as much time thinking about math as i do about Eriko, i’d be a math genius.

i’ve been feeling a little overwhelmed for the last several months. in particular, when i think of the upcoming wedding and the changes which will follow. i’ve been trying to anticipate the changes, or worrying about the inevitable ups and downs, but neither has made me very comfortable. at the same time, i’ve noticed a loneliness within myself become more apparent. initially, my reaction and thoughts were to blame the interaction between Eriko and I, which is strange in its own right. however, i realized this morning that my loneliness is more fundamental than that. i want her near me. i want to build the bonds that only time together can do. i have often wondered about this concept of marriage. how foreign it is in the moment, to make a decision which joins two souls, without a complete or even clear understanding of the path or results. this decision, this desire… it is part of who i am, part of my character, intrinsic to my being. i need to bond myself. this is the realization and understanding i have been searching for.