Life is about learning of yourself; today is one of those confusing days for me. I’m upset and overwhelmed. Work and school are pressures and they can be pretty frustrating, but I seem to be able to stay calm and ride out the storm. My heart, however, is another matter. Paying off Eriko’s loan is a strange thing – but mainly it seems like I am setting myself up for hardship. My naive and trusting heart wants to believe that because we told each other we wanted something, we will both live up to those desires; but my brain is too experienced to let me get away with it. I have been down this road before. I didn’t like what I saw. I keep hoping I can find this woman who can appreciate me in such a way – a way I can’t even describe. Bailey, for instance. She still scratches me once in a while; she still bites me. But she makes me feel needed and even though she is only a cat and has but the most primitive form of expression, I feel love. Perhaps I am naturally scared and jaded! from real human interaction; my mother’s love has never been equalled in a woman – and yet I have this romantic, naive view that I will find a woman who will love me more. Am I crazy? Or just stupid?

I send an email to Eriko and inform her of my red-light ticket; of course my email is completely biased and I ridicule the officer and the ticket, labeling the latter as stupid. I’m not sure what I was expecting but apparently it was different then what I received based on the mental shock my system has gone through. Eriko’s opinion is that I’m stupid and I deserve the ticket. My first reaction was laughter; followed by confusion, indignation, and discomfort. Finally I returned to laughter and composed a response in which I told her that I wouldn’t be presenting her opinion to the judge. Oh, and that I never said I was smart.

I’m not with my mom to help her celebrate, but I’m thinking about her. Thanks for everything you’ve done, do, and will do, momma. I love you.

I’m going to wire Eriko some money today. I won’t pay off her loan in one shot; its just too much. I am not independently wealthy… shucks. This is strange for me… but I trust her.

The word Eriko used to describe herself. She’s torn – to be with me or not to be; to be near her family or not. Even though she sends me no explanation, I can emphathize. She must do as she pleases, it is her life she leads. I have no choice but to continue to focus on myself and cling firmly to the hope that she has helped me to rediscover. Astra inclinant, non necessitant.

Busy! I road David’s bike to work this evening – mainly because I wanted to get some excercise and we all know that what goes down must come up (or something like that. ;) I have a challenging weekend ahead of me – a homework assignment on NP approximation algorithms (which I am quite fuzzy) and a deadline on Monday (which I feel a little behind). Tempus neminem manet – time waits for no one. tehe, I didn’t know that, I found it on a website : http://users.hol.gr/~posi/latin.htm.