I just arrived at work but I have to remember what I have learned this morning. Over the weekend I sent Eriko a torrent of email – essentially my thoughts and feelings at different points in time. For some reason I was feeling brave and talkative. I woke up this morning about 5:30 and the email response I received from her said “I don’t care what you think.” I laid back in my bed to consider this statement in between naps. I realized the similiarities between this and a moment I had with Melissa, when we were outside Church talking. I had been ranting about the merits of drugs the entire car ride, and although she had offered some mild opposition, I thought she was enjoying the discussion, or at least interested in what I had to say. Naturally, I was way off, and she reacted in fury – yelling and banging her fist against the window. I remember feeling as if I had done absolutely nothing wrong; she could have made it clear she was uncomfortable, etc. Long distance makes things difficult because I don’t know if Eriko’s answer is caused by rage or apathy. In either case, I find her reaction ridiculous and childish. Not that we aren’t all children, but supposedly we are discussing “grown-up” things. As I did with Melissa several years ago, I will do with Eriko – leave her alone; let her figure “it” out. ;P Now onto work.

I still want to help Eriko out with her loan. Whether I like it or not, my nature is to be generous to those I care about; I am naive to assume that I cannot be taken advantage of – however, the right woman for me won’t take advantage. I can’t see into the future with a crystal ball. I can’t guarantee that if I help Eriko with her loan that will spend our lives together. But at the same time, maybe one day we will be married – can I guarantee that she will stay with me after I buy her a car? Or a house? No; there is always uncertainty and with that, doubt. Being taken advantage of is when you do something you don’t want to; or you do something in a way that you don’t want to. I want to help Eriko with her loan. But I do it my way. Time for b..zzzzz

It is abundant today but I only see it in passing. I just read a very interesting article – a little over my head but it was fun to skim and I think I understand the main points. I am now at work, feeling relaxed and ready to hack. Especially since the laundry is almost done (needs to be folded) and I enjoyed pancakes and bacon for breakfast. =) Oh, and I didn’t leave my bed until 11. ;P

I know that is has some interesting Catholic connotations but I am not indicating any of them here. I see the road ahead as difficult but attainable; I can easily be overwhelmed with gratitude as I feel the warmth in my heart, knowing that I don’t need to look anywhere to feel love; although I feel the pain and weariness of my tasks ahead I have a strong sense of hope that they will not be in vain. I am referring to school, work, and my Eriko. But I suppose you could still find some similarities with Catholicism. ;P

Another assignment done. I’m not sure how well I did on that one, but here’s to hoping… I have a very busy day ahead of me tomorrow, all at Isilon. I really need to put in some extra hours.