Sunday
arrived at the airport and spent the evening with Eriko and her family. any questions i had about how to bring up our marriage were answered immediately. as soon as i walked into the kitchen, her mom read to me a few sentences she had translated.

Monday
it was Eriko’s birthday and she had a surprisingly high number of things scheduled. i watched her attend a Kimono-wearing class, went to the bank, post-office, and then a tea ceremony class. in the evening the family went out to a familiar Vietnamese restraunt to celebrate Eriko. a little late evening drama.

Tuesday
let the wedding planning begin. Eriko and I spent several hours trying on kimonos and western outfits. she selected two kimonos and a dress; i selected a kimono and a tux. it was fun and i have begun to feel excited and nervous. in the evening we went to Eriko’s play practice. the cast members were very welcoming to me and i had fun. i did take a few cat naps during repetitive scene rehearsal. the cast members will throw a party for me on Friday.

Wednesday
we travelled to Atsuta Shrine, which is where we will be married. it is amazing, beautiful, and foreign to me. we walked around the grounds of the shrine and also through the indoor ceremony room. it should be familiar to Eriko’s family but mine will be quite surprised. we then proceeded to tire ourselves by doing some gift shopping. in the evening Ken’s family came to visit and i played Legos with Kenta. Sakura was ill so the visit was a little hectic but i had fun. Eriko’s mom made onimiyaki which i really like and showed me how to do it as well.

when i am finally at peace with myself, i will die.

i have to wonder whether i really want a PhD in math or whether i’m just a desperado, wishing for that which i don’t have

of course, once my brain starts analyzing a point, it cannot stop until it has come up with some theories. i have two as a consequence:

i like positions of authority: a husband, a dad, a manager, a professor.
i think too much, often confusing myself. i need to focus on subjects with clear cut answers – mathematics. computer science is halfway there, but there are lots of different ways to do things and still arrive at the same result.
if i don’t think there is a clear cut answer, i tend not to think. i just try and feel.

in writing to Susie, i always end up expressing myself in some way or another. i have no idea about the accuracy of such statements, but they flow like water with no resistance.

i think the reason why i’m having a mid-life crisis is because i look at
where i am now and i extrapolate it to 15 or 20 years and i don’t find
happiness there. slaving away for 10+ hours a day on the computer doesn’t
give me a warm fuzzy feeling. perhaps it never did, i just never took the
time to think about it. when i was younger, i always wanted to play the
‘game’ until i got a bunch of money and then retire to do something i liked.
well, that isn’t a very healthy attitude because making that money is either
going to take much longer than i want or cause me to sacrifice myself in the
process. either of which is a loss – it isn’t the money i want, it is the time to do something i like.

as the foundations of what i want to do with my life are shaken, everything
goes with it. if i don’t want to program computers for a living (which i’ve
thought of since i was in high school), what do i want to do? what do i like?

working drains almost all my creative energy. luckily i find Japanese class
very interesting otherwise i would do nothing in the evenings. even with
that, i’m falling behind in class because i have no energy to study outside
of class. even at work, i’m not that creative. it is so obvious i don’t want
to be there by the way i solve problems. i don’t think. i just keep trying
things until something works. perhaps that is just who i am, but that is
certainly not who i think i want to be.


i like working with people more than i like working with computers. i think i
always have. in college i was constantly tutoring my friends and leading
projects. this is the second job where i’m managing people and i like it.
being a professor is just an extension of that feeling. naturally, i’m not
that much of a people person – i’m only a people person when i’m in a
position of authority. i’ve always been curious at math and always a little
ashamed that i don’t know it anymore. when i was a wee little boy i used to
be good at it. i have no idea how i’m going to get from where i am now to
where i want to be but i sure am hoping i can find something.

the diary forces me to be honest and express myself. i’m the kind of guy who
will just hold all my thoughts and feelings inside and hope the world guesses
what i want. well, i don’t think it really works that way, at least not when
i interact with other people. having the diary has been great for me, because
when i have something i’m thinking about which i can’t stop thinking about, i
write it in the diary. suddenly it is out there. it doesn’t have to be
constrained in my mind. now i don’t have to keep thinking of it for fear that
the thought will die off (not that i explicitly do that, but…)

i have a desire to write a detailed report of the last few days, but no time nor energy to do it. so i’ll just give the highlights:

Saturday: changed front brakes on the Miata with Aaron’s assistance, then had Indian food with Aaron and his fiance Carol
Sunday: watched a Mariner’s game and then went to Neal’s housewarming party. both were enjoyable. (Mariner’s game was on TV).
Monday: long day at work followed by Japanese class. good day.
Tuesday: long day at work followed by a Mariner’s game on the tube and laundry. another good day.
Wednesday: woke up real early so I could talk to Eriko on the phone. that is the highlight of my week. X) another long day at work followed by Japanese class.